perplexed by figgy pudding and such

usually i'm not the girl making resolutions one time a year. i generally try to make myself a better person constantly. however, in 2010 i am making one big change. i am consciously cutting out things that are bad for me.

those little vices that turn into bigger emotional wrecks are going to be phased out. this year i've learned the hard way that i'm a bit masochistic. perpetuating decisions that encourage behaviors fraught with disrespect, convoluted intentions, or generally cause mass amounts of emotional turmoil and hysteria in my life will be kicked to the curb.

i'm actually going to begin trusting my instincts a bit more. it's not always realistic, and it's not always something i can plan, but i'm generally always right.

as most of you know, i spent a fantastic chunk of my 2009 enamored with men who'll never love me back the way i want.

i'll be leaving that in 2009.

so, that's just a little thing i'm getting together in december. i'm preparing for the jump to really let go of those feelings that are one sided in reality. sure when they're reciprocated out of curiosity they're fantastic and wonderful. but you can't build a relationship on sometimes. you can't communicate with sporadic. and you most certainly can't establish trust through semi-reciprocated curiosity.

though i fancy gray, i'm a black and white kind of girl. and really, i'm okay with that. i have plans. i know what i don't want. essentially each day of my own growth will get me closer to those things i do want. and i'm sure when i get there i'll want something different, better, or more.

what a maddening and beautiful adventure this will be.

know (not in the bibilcal sense)

so i had a date last night. i was actually nervous, which is abnormal.

the date went pretty well. we had a good time and laughed a lot.

especially when i made a highly inappropriate, accidentally erotic remark.

we were having a lovely dinner of pho, and we were discussing places we had lived/wanted to live.

i epicly delivered, "i've only lived in dallas. i tried for about 2 solid years to get my visa, though. i really wanted to move to london. but basically you have to be independently wealthy or know people. and i have tried to KNOW lots of people."

there was a brief silence before uncontainable laughter.

"okay, that didn't come out right. i'm so embarrassed. i'm so sorry i said that."

"i'm not," date said between deep breaths.

so much for breaking the ice. i still can't believe i said that. oye.

current addiction(s): little debbie christmas trees, jumping squats, and music (freelance whales and penguin prison)

she moves in like a pirate ship

i'm going to go ahead and dedicate to those few faithful followers who've been waiting to learn of my menless october.

well, turns out, i'm no good at giving men up.

october 4th sort of ruined the whole month. we're still blaming it on vodka, but i ended up with a proper friend.

i also went to vegas with my on-again, off-again crush of two years. we had an amazing time, but shortly after we returned (i'm talking hours), he started doing exactly the things he does. he can't help it; it's just the way he's made. however, those specific things don't really work out for me. so, unless some sort of miracle happens, that will be off-for good.

now, from the surface this might seem a failure. that's where you are entirely wrong.

i learned something about myself in these last months of the year. i make bad decisions when it comes to protecting my emotions. i learned that also spills over into friendships.

so, simply, i'm setting higher standards and not making excuses for people anymore.

if someone isn't a good friend to me, then i don't need them around. i have plenty of friends.

if a guy says we're dating, then i run into him on a date with another girl, i probably shouldn't be dating that guy.

it's really easy. so i'm getting back to the basics. it may sound silly to you, but my overly humanistic soul gets into more trouble seeing things in people that they'll never see themselves.

i'm definitely dating, so that's always fun/interesting/boring/awful/exhausting.

last weekend my brother and his lady came to visit.


we had a swell time, and at one point he let me know that i was only allowed to date boys from church. this was my reaction...



nevertheless, i'm still here, dating, and just as sassy as always. i'll probably find someone someday, but right now i'm just enjoying the present with people i love.