care about that, sucka.

mmm, mmm, mmmm.

a refined valley dude

this makes my life right now.

shout-out to sav. good pull!

jazzy

jazz is straight up rocking my world today.

okay, sliiight change.

boy fast started last night. long story that i'll explain later. anyway, yeah, fast started last night and will end October the 27th.

thanks for all the support, lovvis!

the hour is nigh

well lovvis, i've gone and become radical. okay, not really. but after taking some inventory on my life, i've realized a few things, and i'm planning to re-train myself. i have developed some behaviors that i'm going to kick to the curb.

basically, in case you haven't guessed, this involves my love life. sigh.

i'm not seeking out a relationship. however, men tend to seek me out. that's fine, but when i begin to show interest, it's inevitable that they "aren't ready for a relationship" want to "see other people" or "are scared." basically, i've ended up getting hurt in the last few endeavors, and i'm really not a fan of that at all.

so, new plan.

i'm giving up men in the month of october. yep, you heard me. no, that doesn't mean i'm becoming a lesbian (sorry ladies).

basically, because i'm not actively searching out a relationship (although am open to the idea), i want to stop tarrying with folks that aren't worth my time.

i have a hard time establishing boundaries when it comes to guys as friends, especially if i can see myself with the person. so, this new guys as friends things is something that i'm going to have to work on.

i have a hard time saying that anyone isn't worth my time; however, that's really not the case. i have a lot to offer any person, and i plan to start respecting myself more.

anyway, in order to get to a point where i can establish those boundaries, i've decided to cleanse first. what better way? a fast.

so, here are the rules. i will not give out my number in the month of october. i won't hit on a guy in october. i won't text or call a guy. i won't return a text or call from a guy.

i won't accept any drinks that are bought for me while out. (man, i'm going to have to re-budget.) i will not accept any wine purchase, no matter how nice the bottle. (ugh. that one hurts, but men are trixy. especially those that know my weaknesses.)

as far as social media goes... i will not respond to any private message from guys. i will not send private messages to guys. if i am commented, unless a specific, non-flirty question is asked, they will be ignored. i will not comment any men.

(of course this does not include my gaybees or already established friendships that i have with men. if you are in question, you better ask. you've got six days.)

i've discussed this with a few close friends, and i'm quite open to any ideas you have to tighten up the guidelines. i've gotten a few accountability offers, and i'm open to more.

i'm pretty sure there are already bets of how long i will last. i think someone has already thrown in October 7th. thanks for the support. :p

but really, it's going to be very hard. i'm quite stubborn when it counts, though, and i'm looking forward to being a better person.

i hope to gain better insight of male/female relationship and dynamic. i hope to learn that it's okay to hold myself to higher standards. i'm not against dating, but i'm absolutely no good at it (apparently), so i hope to learn to be better at that.

really, i just want to be better, full stop.

when considering music at the bar

"this song is spiraling me into depression," said jenn with a furrowed brow.
"i think that's what it's for," kate answered with an empathetic look.
"who sings this song anyway?" jenn whined.
matt leaned across the bar to give some input."ask the lady beside you... she looks like a die-hard fan."
jenn shifted on the hard stool and interjected herself into the somewhat drunk and trashy-looking blond's conversation. "excuse me, who sings this song?"
"gunsss n' rossses. i got 'em tattooed on my back," she slurred.

jenn heard an eruption of laughter behind her and was somewhat unsure of how to handle herself. she was sure that the look on her face gave away her true feelings. however, there was still hope that the blond's drunken haze buffered any offense.

"right. thanks, guns n' roses."

dripping in alchemy...

on my way home tonight, i saw a girl beside me in her car. she was crying crocodile tears, and i couldn't help but immediately empathize with her.

it could have been the song on her radio; she might have been listening to a book on tape; she might have just broken up with her bf/gf... who really knows?

i mean, who hasn't been in their car, crying their eyes out? well, i have. in fact, just last night. it will probably happen again, and that's just the way things go.

my eternally optimistic disposition has definitely taken a hit in the past year. unfailingly, i find the silver lining and rarely miss a beat due to losing heart.

just tonight i was thinking about the moments in my day. they are all so precious. i didn't really do anything extraordinary, but every moment meant something to me. i was acknowledged and rewarded at work; i felt needed by a friend; i made a new friend; i felt unimportant; i felt blessed; i missed london; i was thankful.

each of those things tiny, tiny moments make up who i am. and i must say, i'm quite pleased with that person.

it's really a good feeling. and although i'm not quite where i would like to be, i'm making positive steps every day and am driven to be the best, happiest person that i can be.

stay tuned on that.