on a serious note

well, yesterday was a serious milestone for me.

i weigh less than i ever have without being anorexic! it is strictly from running and eating smaller portions/making better decisions.

it's really not all that much of a difference, but, to me it is. i'm really proud of myself. :-)

to celebrate i ordered pizza, and like a true anorexic at heart, i was so guilty after i ate it that i ran and weighed myself. i got up in the middle of the night and weighed myself, and i've already weighed twice today, and it's definitely 8:02 am. i've gained no weight, so i'm in the clear. i know how ridiculous it is. but, i feel that talking about it makes me realize the craziness of the whole thing.

after years of struggling with it, i honestly feel like i'm in a good place. yeah, i'm pretty sure i'll always struggle, as i've been watching my weight since grade school. my biggest fear is that, one day, if i have a daughter, she will sense my insecurities and feel that she must do the same. i know that i have to be stronger, because i would never, ever want to make someone feel the way that i do sometimes.

it's really weird about anorexia. i have never been uncomfortable with the way i look. i've never been unhappy with my body. i developed anorexia because of the point i was at in my life, and it was actually a symptom of another issue i was dealing with. i felt out of control, and the only thing i could control was what went in my body. therefore, i stopped eating. fortunately, i was able to overcome the other trial. anorexia, however, firmly planted itself in my being and will not let go.

i've accepted that. i have amazing friends who are very supportive and still ask me if i'm eating form time to time. i can't lie, so they know they'll always get an honest answer.

i really don't ever plan on reverting. i understand the damage that i did to my body and organs. i think if i meet my hesitations and anxieties every day that i will never let it control me again.

so, thanks for all the support, lovvis. :-)

i really feel like a super serious episode of boy meets world, but, if you or someone you know is struggling with this, please don't hesitate to chat with me about it. i'd be happy to listen to what you are going through or answer some questions you may have!



on another note...if you are stalking me or hacking my accounts...please stop it. that's silly. get a job. ugh.

if you are reading this, not stalking me or hacking my accounts, then please ignore the above. :-)

i have a stellar playlist today...

Kings of Leon
City and Colour
mewithoutYou
She&Him
The Secret Handshake
Vampire Weekend